The Pit or the Pinnacle

December 14, 2008 Leave a comment

Well… this will forever be a day.

I may make a decision I should have made long ago or never made at all.

A natural understanding of myself must take place. A brief sight into things to come.

I may never be the same as I am…

The middle road is no longer…


“Ramble On”

December 8, 2008 Leave a comment

I really don’t know what I’m going to do in life now…

I have to give music a chance…and I was way stoked to move to Boise to play.

But now I fear that I won’t be able to find a good enough group of musicians to play with.

I know that everyone says you should just enjoy and play the music. But I know that I don’t have a good enough voice to take it to the level I want. My fear is that I won’t find a good enough voice to go with the music I feel in my heart.

I’m about to give up and go sleep in my parents basement for the next 5 years. Then I’ll be too old for people to judge me and I’ll be too old for people to tell me to get married and make something with my life.

I feel so much pressure from mostly myself. I listen to bands like Oasis, Kings of Leon, the Libertines and I wonder how I can ever write that good of music. And then you just wonder if people even like good music anymore…

I don’t really care if I get famous let me just say that. I really just want to be satisfied by the fact that I have made good enough music, I want to prove to myself that I can. But unless some people like it and I get to tour for a while I won’t feel good enough about it.

I don’t know why I’m so into music. I try not to compare myself with Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, or Neil Young, but I do. These guys are heads and shoulders above me. Every time I listen to “Like a Rolling Stone,” or “Beginning to See the Light,” I just flip.

How can I do this?

Part of me wants to move to LA or New York. But then I don’t know if that would really solve my problem…

I still barely have enough energy to keep fighting off my family and all their negativity towards my dream…

I won’t make it much longer friends… I won’t commit suicide don’t worry. But I’m going to commit life suicide, where I just shoot every dream I’ve ever had in the head execution style and go get a degree and a job, fall in line, and hate everyone around me and my own self for the rest of eternity…

In Reflection…

October 28, 2008 Leave a comment

I was just reading Filip’s response to my other blog and it got me thinking.

I started to think…”what is my ultimate goal here…to change people?”

Then I started really thinking…no. I think that’s actually my problem. I don’t really want to change people. In fact I’m afraid of trying to change people because sometimes I hate this endless search for truth. The hole we dig in friend is deep, and we will keep digging in this same hole that others have been in for years. They pass the shovel and a few of us actually love to search for it.

But like I said sometimes I really hate it…

I do want to IMPROVE people when it comes down to it. I really like to boost the self esteem of others around me. I do that alot. I feel like I can really affect people’s self worth with word. I grew up very self concious and very lost as to who I was. Not that I care what people are, but I feel like I try to spread the gospel of “accept yourself.”

Morrissey said it best in the song “Accept Yourself.”   LYRICS     VIDEO

So I guess it comes down to this. I want to improve people’s lives. But I do not want to change anything about a person until I personally believe and know that what I preach is what I believe will be beneficial.

But I really do fear actually making people think. I have this inner fear that I do not want people to end up like me. I really believe in fate, if people need to be shaken then life will do it. Who am I to do it?

But these vain and pretentious people think they can go out and shake people’s beliefs and not destroy the moral fabric of society. Science and god are both such extremes. Science says that god is worthless and pointless because “well the Egyptians worshipped the Sun as god and now we’ve just developed him to fit our new life of understanding.” Well you dumb-ass scientists. Remember when you said the world was flat? Remember when you said that we had to worry about global cooling less than 100 years ago?

What’s happened to you? You’re just as extreme as the believers. You are just as dogmatic and bigoted as the religious. We claim all these truths, they change all the time EVEN OVER THE COURSE OF OUR LIFETIME and we are supposed to believe what YOU say but NOT RELIGION!!! You’re both equally clinging to one extreme of the picture.

So it’s really time lab coats and priests step out of their uniform and let people figure out the truth for themselves. I’m not going to be the one in charge of tearing people down, but you sure as hell do a good job at tearing down each other.

It’s going to evolve…mark me here. It will eventually be religion vs science. And there will be wars over it. There will be fighting and wars and destruction over this. It’s the next phase. People will cling so hard to their side. You can already see it. The Church of the Bible and the Church of the Science.

Anyways I hate both ends of the spectrum. There is a place for both, but don’t walk with one eye closed. Let the world around you affect you how it will. Take it in from both prespectives and then think AND feel what you believe and live true to it. That is what really matters.

Same Thing Over and Over and Over and Over and Over

October 28, 2008 1 comment

In “Crime and Punishment,” when speaking about his foolish mother, Raskolnikov expounds a little precious nugget. He says,

“Till the last moment every goose is a swan with them, till the last moment, they hope for the best and will see nothing wrong, and although they have an inkling of the other side of the picture, yet they won’t face the truth till they are forced to; the very thought of it makes them shiver; they thrust the truth away with both hands, until the men they deck out in false colours puts a fool’s cap on them with his own hands.”

People don’t take the time to get educated on a subject. People read and watch TV–romance novels and Gossip Girl; Halo manuals and King of the Hill. There is a lack of personal desire for betterment and education.

So it becomes quite rediculous when everyone seems to have an opinion on everything before actually studying it out. And what’s worse is people will avoid the opposing arguments to their side like the plague.

For example in politics. People will read and read their party’s literature to enforce their own opinion. But rarely do they listen to try to understand the other side’s philosophies.

A famous quote says something to the tune of this, the smartest person will step out of his own point of view, and view the other side of the argument, and try to understand the rationale and thinking behind it.

We will be played like fools if we continue to live like fools.

Advertising, media, businesses, politicians, and preachers will continue to be false leaders and hard headed egoists if we keep feeding them. When the masses throws green around looking for hope someone will always be there with their hand outstretched and warm words of consolation. Supply and demand goes for heart felt words as well as widgets and sugar.

So it all boils down to me. What truths do I push away that I should be accepting?

Search for truth…accept truth…

The Choice Between Piss and Pleasure

October 20, 2008 Leave a comment

I just learned a really good lesson in human interaction. People always give excuses for not doing things. They always put up fronts and rarely tell you the real reason for doing things.

Well I always have a hard time with my emotions; they always over power my logic. I always jump to conclusions and I’m quick to just get angry and give people an ultimatum.

But today I did a good job while texting this girl… I was getting a irritated but I decided to step back and try to FIND the problem then GO AROUND or PROVIDE ALTERNATIVES to the problem…here is the text chain.

Me: Hey hey

Her: Hello

Me: Stoked for tonight?

Her: Yes! Ha ha what time?

Me: You want to come up around eight?

Her: Sure and this is an odd request but can my friend and her dog come too?

Me: Ha ha you have to be kidding me?

Her: No she has been out of town and I miss her and she gets back tonight but she will wanna are her puppy he is so cute an little!

Me: Ha ha… Well I understand your friend is back… I don’t want you to ruin your friendship by not hanging out with her

Me: But I’m not really into three somes and animals

Her: We’re just watching a movie and she is hotter than me

Me: What’s your real issue here?

Her: Nothing she is like my other half and haven’t seen her since wed so I’m having withdrawals

Me: So if I say I really just want to hang out with you are you going to be ok seeing her later tonight or tomorrow?

Her: Well she gets home around 6 so I’m going to see her before I just thought it would be nice to invite her.

Me: No I got ya. And it’s a good idea… But I just want to get to know you first…Cool?

Her: Ha ha that’s fine can we do like 830 then?

Me:Ya money…

So at first I thought she was just scared to come over because she didn’t know me very well and people in Utah are extra careful to the extreme. But it seemed genuine so I tried to satisfy both of us by compromising. This is something I’ve been working alot on and trying to figure out how to do better.

You see normally I would have said something like this…

Her: Sure and this is an odd request but can my friend and her dog come too?

Me: Ha ha you have to be kidding me?

Her: No she has been out of town and I miss her and she gets back tonight but she will wanna are her puppy he is so cute an little!

Me: Well we made plans so you can go hang out with her if you want and we can do this some other time…


Me: Well that’s awkward for me so you need to make a choice because we had plans


Me: Ya she can come (and that would be the worst choice of all…dog shat all over my carpet and some other chick and her talking all night…or worse the chick is cuter and then this girl hates me because I actually pull off the switch)

So reading these other responses that I though of sending I am already creating an assumed answer in my head and I am forcing her to a choice, instead of letting her give and take from both decisions to appease the whole.

In the end though I kept my cool and tried to compromise with her. Which is very difficult for me because I get so angry. Now the reason I get angry is because I always assume someone is trying to blow me off, which I apparently hate and also need to learn to deal with.

So we’ll see how it goes. The victory here is always sweeter than the reward haha…

Cliff Baxter

October 12, 2008 Leave a comment

I’m actually feeling pretty sick right now…for us–for people.

Milgram’s experiment. Right here is the link. I can’t believe this.

I know I’ve read about this before but this time the pin has pricked me…and then outright stabbed me. And I am shocked.

Why do accept leadership and authority with such ease? We really need to open our eyes. This is total absurdity.

It needs to be spread out in your mind. Just because someone is a leader doesn’t automatically make them better or smarter than you. We put these labels and automatic stigmas on people just because of what their title is.

It needs to be clear to us, right now. Every person in this whole world is the EXACT SAME. We are all people. All of us. You think that the authority figure above you is so much smarter than you or better than you or has superior judgement. But the truth is oftentimes they are just better at playing their role.

They are leaders. They act like they know what they are doing. It’s their purpose and goal. It doesn’t make them any smarter.

We all need to take a small shot of reality here. Start seeing everyone as yourself. Your preacher, your politician, your boss, your CEO…anyone in your life. Start to look at them as yourself. They are the same as you.

Take things objectively. Step outside and see the light. See the whole picture. Enron is the perfect example of smart actors making things look good. You think they are the only ones in Corporate America doing this? No way. They just took it far enough to get caught.

Quit shocking your friends just because someone in a suit tells you it’s ok. Especially if they tell you they will take responsibility. No one can take responsibility for your actions but yourself.

The 8th Sphere

October 9, 2008 Leave a comment

I’ve sunk deep. Really deep. I can feel it when I’m this deep. I’m not used to it because it’s been so long. I get so tangled up in my mind and I can’t escape. A thick, dense, black, torrentuous sheet of dismal, dreary, lethargic depression presses on my brain like a woman clenches a hand during childbirth.

I feel like I’ve been straped to the operation table. The greasy pale doctor is scraping at my open head with his filthy black fingernails again and again like a lunatic in search of mysteries in the sod. He keeps reminding me of what I’m trying to forget, screaming it in my ear. The horn of his voice sounds long and loud, it quiets for a minute in my mind, then comes back so unbearably heavy that it fills every space of thought that exists, and sounds as though I was under a moving train, and I cannot even move.

My throat feels like a needle he has thrust a needle inside, he is frantically moving it back and forth in search of a vein or artery. He keeps telling me that he has almost found it as he dances with his lovely syringe above me with a smile strewn across his face like holiday decorations.

The blood pumps only into my heart, but never leaves. It is a balloon that receives unceasing breathes. It is a mother who’s child will not leave the womb. It is the last bite of an overbearing and expensive meal.

My limbs are dark and blue from lack of circulation. The muscles hang like fat off a chicken bone. My arms drupe to my sides like excess skin and my legs are those of Atlas, and I do not dare step for fear I will be crushed under the weight of the world.

My fingers feel pressed against the floor. I cut the nails shorter and shorter, determined to make each one of equal size and shape. They bleed and I lick the blood off every second in order to remeasure and again cut, tearing the skin away from the target in order to clip even but a sliver.

If I only had not a mind. If I only had not the knowledge. All knowledge is freedom. All knowledge is a knife.